My Almost Date with Quasimodo

My almost date with Quasimodo

I decided to share this store for a few reasons;

1.) It’s quite funny.
2.) It’s a true story.
3.) I could have had ugly kids!

Let’s begin with giving a little backdrop on who I “was” at the time… I was a 19 or 20 years old kid, who went to dance clubs 4-5 times a week, and was QUITE IMMATURE! I wore earrings, would buy myself a new pair of shoes and outfit once a week, and had poor judgment in choices I constantly made. I was VERY shallow when it came to the “types” of girl I would “date”…

One night I was playing roller hockey with a bunch of bikers (yes big burly hairy men on roller blades) when after, when we were “shooting the breeze” (basically talking rude about women) when one of the guys suggested a girl I would like.

She is PERFECT for you… Tanned, Blonde, Athletic, Funny, Out-Going and into metro-sexual guys.” she also happened to be a ex-cheerleader of her high school team. Knowing half the women these guys had on their bikes, I foolishly took the bait. “Here let me give you her number

Right there and then, in front of the guys, I called her (acting all “joe cool”) let her know, who I was and how I got her number and started a conversation. She was impressed and so was I…

We continued to text and call each other over a week, to a point I could no longer handle my anticipation of my future wife, and asked if she would be interested in meeting me. SHE SAID YES.

I was super excited, I was pumped up and actually broke some of my own “players handbook rules” in preparation to meet her.

We set up to meet in a pubic open place for coffee, to determine if there would be any future interest on ether part of us going on a “date“. For the record, we met at the Sandy Mall in Utah, on the second level overlooking the escalator. I told her I would be coming up the escalator and let her know what I would be wearing…

As always I decided to switch things up and come from behind, entering on the second level and seeing what she looked like first so in the event she was not up to “par” I would sneak back from the way I came in. (yeah I was a real “prize”)

Entering the mall I was a little nervous, she sounded like she was perfect for me and the hottest girl on the planet. As I turned the corner, there she was…
Tanned, Blonde, Toned, and STUNNING looking.

Beautiful from Behind

With each step, I practiced my “hello” speech as I watched her perfectly blonde hair, flow effortlessly through the air, from behind.

I took a big gulp of air as I tapped her on the sholder and waited as she slowly turned around!

quasimodo face butter her body

OMG!!! What the ugly??? Why is your ear where your nose should be? Is your mouth on your fore-head? Did your face hit EVERY single branch on the ugly tree? Where are your lips?

She was just so ugly that only a mother and father could love her!

quasimodo face

I was mortified (again I am displaying my immature thought process from 14+ years ago) What on earth am I going to do? I thought to myself.

So I did what came naturally and was my out-going flirtatious self. But the problem was… SHE LOVED ME!!!

We sat and had coffee (fasted I ever drank a coffee, yet it seemed like forever at the time.) She wanted to go out right then and there!

Oh no we have a problem… we have 2 car’s here, let’s go another night” I state… “Not a problem, just follow me home, we’ll drop of my car and I’m yours all night long!” (I was trapped.)

As I am driving behind her, I try and slow down and “miss lights” or let car’s “cut me off” in hopes of losing her in traffic. BUT NOOOOO… She would slow down, stop at yellow’s and ensure she did not lose me. “CRAP!

We pulled up to her house, (she lived with her parents at the time) run’s up to my car window… “I’ll be right back, let me drop of my keys, and tell my mom how wonderful you are, I am so excited for tonight.” Then a part of her, I am assuming it was her lips, kissed my fore-head, then she went towards her house.

A “brilliant plan” started to formulate in my head. OK it was not brilliant it was just what any stupid young punk kid like myself at the time would do.

I watched, and waited for the door to reach its sealed point of closure and I dropped the gear into first and gave it all she had, 0-60 in 20 seconds!!! (factually that as fast as the 2000 civic ex model could go.)

Yes I took off! Yes I turned off my cell phone! Yes I had a few hateful voice mails I had to delete! and yes I have to be proud of that moment, because… I would not be married to the beautiful woman I am today, nor would I have the beautiful children I have. All mouths, nose ears and toes all belong in the right places!

I hope you can find the humor in this post and note that I have grown and treat ugly people just the same way I treat myself (cause let’s be honest, I’m pretty damn ugly!)